Fudge, not the yummy kind.

It’s time again for another installment of….depressing unloading of emotions! I bet you’re all dying to start reading. I bet you just can’t wait. Well, I won’t make you wait any longer…away we go!!

Fudge. I’m sure you all know the word I really mean, but let’s try to keep this PG. Fudge Fudge Fudge. Today it’s not the fibro, but my lower back pain.

Pain is such a vague word. So is hurt. I have pain. It hurts. Those words seem to devalue and belittle the reality of my life. The correct description: a sensation of someone pulling my pelvis apart. Ripping every muscle, tendon, ligament, tissue, and bone apart and then crushing them together…each jagged edge scraping past the other. A sensation of a dull knife plunging through my skin, tearing apart the muscles, and then boring through my bones until they break. The relentless and eternal ache.  

To get through a day with this losing battle going on in my body is exhausting. Agony. Torment. I wake up each day with the daunting task of keeping my mind away from the pain. Trying to joke or smile about it to avoid the alternative of crying. Trying to take care of my kids, my students, my home, and myself without completely falling apart. Dragging my battered body here and there until it’s finally time to let it collapse for the night. And then start the struggle all over again the next day.

Fudge.

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9 thoughts on “Fudge, not the yummy kind.

  1. `Oh, wow- so sorry. I have a loved one who is in constant pain and your post made me think of them anew. I wish there were better help for you. It sounds as if you keep up with a lot- hope you also get some quiet rest. It’s not fair- some people have more to bear than others. Fudge.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s time again for another installment of….depressing unloading of emotions! Sometimes, that’s just what I call Monday:)

    I hope you have a comfy desk chair at work, and if so, that it helps you get through your work day! I know you say you try to avoid crying, but I hope you feel supported if you do. It’s ok!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Robyn. I definitely have a comfy chair at work. 2 actually! Don actually bought them for me a few years ago. Like, I picked them out and then he drove down to Office max and picked them up for me! It was pretty nice! He might have even put them together for me. I can’t remember.

      And crying…I do plenty of that…there’s just a time and place. I usually don’t cry in front of anyone except my husband. Most of it is bawling in the car while singing, lol. I did cry the other day at work when my back was doing really new and weird things and I had to leave suddenly. But for the every day pain…I try to just get on with my day. Although, that’s kind of a load of you know what, because even though I’m not crying, it’s ALL I’m thinking about, all day long.

      Like

  3. Don’t apologize for writing about your pain. That’s what this challenge is about – writing about what really matters, what impacts our day, what we notice. This is what we want kids to do – write the truth.

    This sentence really stood out to me: Those words seem to devalue and belittle the reality of my life.

    I understand your frustration and pure exasperation in this piece. Very raw and reel.

    Wishing you relief, friend.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I guess humor is kind of my defense mechanism with all this pain stuff. So I try to make a joke out of things a lot to lighten things up for others but also myself.

      Thank you for your words.

      Like

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