He’s gone.

My grandpa died.

My parents just happen to be staying at my house this weekend, so when I woke up this morning, my dad walked over to me and quietly said, “your grandpa passed.” I cried. I cried on him. Then I cried on my husband. A lot.

He died out in Arizona. They go there every winter. For years, I haven’t been happy about my grandma bringing him out there anymore. With the way his health has been, I just had this feeling that one of these times, we would say goodbye to him in the winter, and then he would never come back. And it finally happened. I sat on his couch and talked to him in early December. And now I never get to see him again.

And my grandma isn’t planning on coming home early. So there isn’t going to be a funeral. She said maybe she would plan a memorial when she gets back. In a month. A MONTH.

I’m so sad about him dying. But I feel even more upset that there won’t be a funeral. I want to say goodbye. In that way. I want to be around my family, in that way. And we won’t get that. Not now, when we need it. When I need it.

It feels so strange. He died. Died. And now we’re just going to go on with our lives. It feels wrong. I’m mad.

I told my parents maybe I would go out to their house to visit again soon. Just to be around them more. But it still just doesn’t feel the same. Doesn’t feel like enough. I’ve imagined getting this news several times before. But I never imagined I wouldn’t get to say goodbye.

I love you Grandpa. I’ll miss your jokes. Your silly sayings. Your fierce love for us. DSC_2605

 

9 thoughts on “He’s gone.

  1. There is nothing to say. I’m so sorry for your loss. And your family’s loss. And your grandma’s loss.

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  2. So sorry for your loss. There are not words that can suppress the pain or sadness in your heart. Just the feeling that he won’t suffer anymore, and won’t need to go to a hospital again, and that you will never forget his jokes, his silly sayings and his love for you. All my sympathy during this time. Maybe you can do a ceremony at your home, a celebration of his life. Or write about him. I would love to hear more about his character, his saying, his way of loving. All the best for you, and your family.

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  3. That sounds so hard. My grandmother died recently, and I know what a loss it is. We also didn’t have the memorial service until almost 2 months later. I know what you mean about wanting to be around family and to have that ritual of saying goodbye. It felt odd to go back to work as if everything was normal. I do a lot of reminding myself that I carry my grandmother around with me in my heart.

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  4. So…sad. My condolences for your loss. If it’s not too difficult, I hope you continue to write about him. Perhaps you can find some comfort in a written celebration as the month progresses. Thank you for sharing such a personal moment.

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  5. I’m so sorry for your loss. No words can take away your pain or any of your feelings. Not getting the chance to say goodbye is the worst. I’m so sorry. Hold on tight to all your memories!

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  6. I’m so very sorry for your loss. Losing a loved one is never easy. And I can only imagine your sorrow at the delayed closure. May you find some peace. Thank you for sharing. Hopefully it helped.

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  7. I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s really hard to lose an important family figure. My last grandma passed away in 2015 and I still talk to her some days in my head. We didn’t have her memorial for at least a month so that older relatives could make plans to travel easier. I hope all of your happy memories with him can fill some of the loss. Please feel free to talk about him. Everyone’s story is important.

    Liked by 1 person

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