No one poops for that long.

The jig is fricking up guys. Yes you, men. The men who scurry off to the bathroom and only appear hours later. The men who can’t wait act like adults and hold it a few minutes while they help their wives with a screaming baby who has poop halfway up their back or the whining kid who doesn’t want to do their homework or JUST NOT LOSING HER SANITY. I’m talking to YOU.

Seriously, I’ve had to hold it for hours before because I’ve got to go to this appointment at that time, then pick that kid up from that place, then bring said kid to the store with me to get that stuff, then take that kid to that doctor’s appointment. And it goes on and on. There is never time to poop. And you know what? I live. These husbands act like it’s a pooping emergency, and if they don’t get in there RIGHT NOW they might crap their pants. Well let me tell you…unless you have the stomach flu or IBD, if you had to go that badly, your bathroom visit shouldn’t last longer than it takes to watch an episode of Friends.

But they sit in there. And sit. AND SIT. Don’t get me wrong, I am definitely known to hide in the bathroom for a little while and scroll through my phone. But maybe 10 minutes, TOPS. Last night, my husband had just gotten home before dinner. We finish eating and immediately he shuts himself in the bathroom. I had already cooked dinner and was now cleaning up the dishes. I also helped my daughter with a project, helped my son with legos, ordered the kids upstairs for bed, oversaw their bedtime routines, and held my daughter down to get drops in her eyes. And he was STILL in the bathroom. This is LITERALLY true:

I pushed with my daughter for 40 minutes. FORTY. He was in there for 45 minutes. And I was pissed. Unless he came out of there with a newborn, heads were going to roll. And roll they did.

This is not new for him either. And every one of my girlfriends say the same thing about their husband’s. I need you to hose down the mountain of dirty dishes in the sink.  I need you to break up the cage match going on in the family room. Sorry! Can’t! HAVE to poop!

It’s not always the suddenness of the pooping. It’s also just the timing itself. We have to leave in 45 minutes. You go take a shower first while I do our daughter’s hair. 20 minutes later, still no shower on.

So I get in there, take my shower and get out and he’s still on the toilet!! So of course, now there’s only 15 minutes left before we have to go so now he just gets to take a shower and get himself ready, while I have to pack snacks, fill water bottles, tell the kids to get their shoes on, find whatever the heck we need to bring with us, tell the kids to get their shoes on, get my shoes on, give the kids their medicine, tell the kids to get their shoes on, pack up the car, get my coat, and lose my S@#% when the kids still don’t have their shoes on. He comes sauntering in to the kitchen and asks if we’re ready to leave.

So to all you men, especially husbands. GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. Or expect consequences.