Close Up Shop

The light of day soon starts to fade. The sun dips below the horizon, and eventually disappears for the night. We are left with only darkness.

The house provides safety. Shelter. No way are any zombies or ax murderers getting in here. BUT that doesn’t mean they may not be lurking just outside. And of course, what stops zombies and ax murderers from getting in? Your blinds and curtains. Obviously!

It began when I was a kid. I don’t remember who started it, my aunt or my mom. One of them (and then both of them), however, started using the phrase “close up shop” as dusk arrived. It meant to go around and close all the blinds. Seemingly innocent, I started picking up this routine. Each night as the windows darkened, I would walk to each of them, turn the crank, and watch the metal blades slowly shut out nightfall. “Closing up shop!” I would yell to my mom. It seemed kind of fun. Like a real store, I could shutter it up, making it ready for a new day tomorrow.

As years went on, however, this nightly custom became more than just an innocuous nod to the setting sun. Standing next to the dark window, my heartbeat increased. Suddenly, now, the blinds didn’t just need to be closed, they HAD to be closed NOW. Now, before I had time to see into the darkened yard, beyond the protection of our home. Was it burglar I was afraid of? Was I afraid of someone seeing me in my home? Had my now boyfriend’s family’s phrase “close down for snipers” gotten into my head. Were the snipers going to get me???!! At that time, I didn’t know what exactly was compelling me to shut out the world, one window at a time. But shut I did.

As years moved on, I could begin to put my finger on why I needed the windows covered. Well, sort of. Actually, I could tell you what it isn’t. It isn’t being afraid of a burglar, a zombie, an ax murder, a sniper, or a plain old creep seeing inside my window. Or me seeing them outside my window. It’s not about anyone being out there at all. It is just something…the darkness. The void, filling the canvas in front of me. It triggers fear…mental discomfort…unease…nervousness…alarm…unsettle… and just yuckiness. I see it and my whole body shudders.

I still haven’t been able to pinpoint exactly why the blackness behind the window stirs up those negative emotions. But stir it does. I’m sure it’s part of my anxiety. I have other triggers that can’t exactly be explained either. So it’s not too outside the realm of possibility that this is yet another, annoying, slightly disabling provoker of my anxiety.

Unfortunately, my “close up shop” psychosis doesn’t stop here. As years go by, I have added more protective measures. More to keep the zombies and yuck feelings from invading my home and my head. Curtains. Do you know how amazing curtains are?? If you have some, give them a try. The satisfying “shhckkk” sound they make as they are pulled closed is powerful enough to casts any demon or ax murderer out. But be careful. If you leave even a sliver of the curtain hanging open, they can all sneak in! (even if you have blinds closed underneath them) So if you’re all snuggled up in your bed, after closing them up tight, and then realize they can be closed just a little more, you’ll have to exit your cozy nest and readjust. There, now they can’t get in and you can relax.

Yes, I know, call the psych ward. This is like full on crazy. I know it is. Just like with my anxiety, I KNOW this is crazy, but I can’t seem to overcome the crazy behaviors it creates. But it’s not hurting anyone (except maybe my husband who often is the one who has to get up to close the curtains just a sliver more!) or me (too much) so my therapist isn’t quite ready to commit me (yet).

These blinds that aren’t fully down have been making me insane for weeks. But I’m always sitting down by the time I notice they are open.

And this. This just cannot happen. Blinds AND Curtains open?!?!