For a little more info about what this is talking about, see my previous blog
I’m here. Again. Trembling begins in my stomach, reluctantly flowing up through my throat, grasping and twisting my thoughts with boney fingers that dig their spikey nails into my rational mind.
I take in my familiar yet uncomfortable surroundings. My head begins to spin. My mind races. Not again. Not again.
I try to keep the anxiety from invading my every thought but the pull is too strong. I’m giving in without my permission.
No matter what, here goes. Please just sedate me now.
It’s been over a year since I had leads shoved up my spine with wires coming out of my body and hooked to a battery pack. So I figured, time to do it again!! Yes, that’s right, it’s time again for another exciting round of SPINAL CORD STIMULATION TRIAL! I just can’t help myself. The IV’s, the excruciating procedural pain for days, the not showering for 8 days…the allure is too strong to resist.
Worrying my kids and stressing out my husband is always at the top of my to-do list. As is laying in bed for 3 or 4 days, miserable, waiting until I can take the next pain med. You know what else is fun? All of the decision making! For this anxious, decision-phobe crazypants, it’s like a dream come true! Does this setting feel better or worse than this setting? Can you tell a difference? Is it better than your regular pain? It’s like the panic riddled visit to the eye doctor….what’s better 1 or 2, 2 or 3, 3 or 4??? I DON’T KNOW!! Only it’s like that…on crack. Because it’s much more subtle and weighs much more heavily on my life. At the eye doctor, you have a minor anxiety attack, choose all of the wrong lenses, and you get the wrong prescription…and they fix it. I decide the wrong thing about this trial…especially if I decide I THINK it worked…then we’re talking major surgery to get this thing permanently implanted somewhere in my body. I’m not sure where…I don’t have a gallbladder anymore, maybe they’ll stick it there? 🙂 Wherever…it’s cutting me open to ram this thing inside. Then if it doesn’t work after all…we just slice you open again and yank it out, no biggie. Wait, what?
The wild anticipation and excitement is almost too much to bare.
(this gif has the added bonus of being an actress from my FAVORITE show, the Vampire Diaries 🙂 )
The crisp leaves of the prairie vegetation, weary from the summer heat and sun, rustle to mimic the sound of rain on a cool Fall day.
A shock of purple among a sea of gold dances against blue and white while it bends to the will of the commanding breeze sweeping across the fields.
The solitary, liberating sound of gravel crunching with each footstep as the tired feet pound out the rhythm of joy and serenity.